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To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that
Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered
a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance
in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly
by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was
made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School,
is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions
for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest
possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose gets red, not from the cold,
but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's elves
and was taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'excessive
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy
that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French
hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling
birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option.
An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a
mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying
constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing
has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals
grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply
of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers
drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to
the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should
that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Merry Christmas to All, and to All
a Good Night!!!
... from the Good Jokes website
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