A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
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- by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible
Results, Vol 36, No. 1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important
area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists,
we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
Suggested list of required warnings appears below.
- Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
- Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in
the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with
a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
- Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT Per Net Ounce of Weight.
- Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles per Hour.
- Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It
Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
- Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place
in the Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer
Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May
- Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting
This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
- This is a 100% Matter Product: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
- Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer
Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death
of the Universe.
- Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
- Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
- New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However,
the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above
and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since
the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area'
That They Cannot Be Detected.
- Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease
to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
- Component Equivalency Notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
- Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to the User.
- Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally
Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the
Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.