New Element Discovered
These tech-centric jokes,
song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and
websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly
offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
Los Alamos Fire Revelation
The fire at Los Alamos has one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker
whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend.
Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all
along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive
element also exists.
Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This
startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron,
125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected
as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute
amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less
than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader
neutrons exchange places.
In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since
with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons forming new isotopes. This characteristic
of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".