These tech-centric jokes,
song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and
websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly
offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
Please, even if you sincerely believe that the
government is bombarding you with radiation in order to control, maim, or kill you,
do not call me.
As a former agent of the U.S. government's National
Unit for ciTizen Subduance (code word:
NUTS*), all of my communications are constantly under surveillance, so merely contacting
me by telephone, e-mail, Skype, telegraph, message in a bottle, or smoke signals
virtually guarantees that "they" will find you and increase the attack already underway
against you. For all that is Holy, spare yourself from the personal torment and
hide while you still can!
Seriously, four or five people call me every year wanting to tap into my expertise
on RF energy to help them validate their suspicion - no, wait, absolute certainty
- of currently being the victims of a huge government conspiracy whereby special
frequencies that have been determined to allow mind control are attempting to turn
them into mindless subjects. I just got off the phone with another such individual.
All sound genuinely friendly and inquisitive regarding some kind of RF principle
they are not totally knowledgeable about, and admit to being new to the world of
radio frequencies. Usually an apology is offered at the outset for interrupting
me, and an offer is made to call back at some later time that might be more convenient.
After a little informal chat about their background and asking about mine, a shift
is made to the real reason for the call.
Terms like radiation,
RF, microwave, antennas, couplers, transmission lines, and shielding are introduced
into the conversation, seemingly, at first, to probe my familiarity with the science.
It soon becomes obvious that they are simply repeating terms recently read on some
website or brotherhood tract. Almost inevitably the subject will turn to referencing
a patent pertaining to spread spectrum technology or a book written by some mountain
guy with a dirty white beard. Some take longer to get there than others, but I'm
getting better at identifying them more quickly. That is when I know for sure that
another one of 'them' is on the line. I spend a little more time making sure of
my suspicion, and then politely ask the caller if the motivation for his call is
because he is "onto" the whole government radiation mind control thing. Then, I
Some of the callers are concerned with a cell tower a ¼ mile away because
their phones now get five bars even when placed in the washing machine with the
lid closed (they must be in there with the phone to see the display), or their knee
joints suddenly began hurting right after the tower was erected, or cuts and sores
never heal anymore ever since a new radar was installed at the airport. A couple
years ago a lawyer from New York City called me two or three times looking for information
for his case with a client who lived in a top-floor apartment over which, on the
roof, was installed some sort of microwave repeater. The 80-something-year-old plaintiff
had hired the lawyer to sue the communications company for causing pain and suffering
brought on by the tower. Of course I was never offered a dime for the hour or so
total I talked to him, and in the end told him his client was a loon and not to
call me anymore.
Here is a note in from an RF Cafe visitor:
"Kirt, I read your N.U.T.S commentary and thought I would share a story with
you: Back when I worked for [a major antenna company] there was a guy who ran the
technical support 1-800 number department who told me a story about a guy who kept
calling in (early 1980's) wanting help with a microwave antenna issue. The caller
was convinced that neighbors in his apartment building were pelting him with microwaves
from antennas through the walls to intentionally cause him harm. No help from the
police etc. After many times of telling the guy he was nuts and to stop calling,
and after getting tired of his repeated calls, the tech support manager told him
this; ”Okay listen. I'm not supposed to tell you this. Here's what you do. You line
the walls of your apartment with tin foil. What will happen is the microwaves they
are trying to shoot at you will actually bounce back at them.” The guy was
elated and thanked him and said that was all he needed to know. He never called
- Best regards Dan D."
The most recent victim (called last night) had purchased a 3 GHz frequency
counter and could watch the display jump all over the place between 2.4 and 2.5 GHz
as he walked throughout his house with it. The guy - I'll call him Igor - was convinced
that he had uncovered a plot of some sort that involved frequency hopping, deviously
employed so that the average citizen would never detect the radiation's presence.
Of course when asked whether he had a wireless router in the house, and he replied
affirmative, but according to him it had been ruled out as the source. I didn't
ask him how he knew. Igor had done his homework, having already conducted an extensive
search of the USPTO database
for patents on spread spectrum and its effects on humans. Patent number
"Apparatus for audibly communicating speech using the radio frequency hearing effect,"
assigned to the Secretary of the United States Air Force, exactly described what
he was witnessing. I kid you not. He says he telephoned not only the two inventors
listed on the patent, but also the patent lawyer. None would provide him with any
information (go figure), which only confirmed his suspicion regarding their guilt.
I asked Igor if he believed he was being targeted by the government for mind control,
informed him before he could answer that I didn't have time for such folly, and
gently hung up. It is times like these when I wish my name and home address were
not so easily discovered, and that I'm glad on-site security at RF Cafe has
been beefed up over the last few years.
Help is on the way! If you are reading this and are a member
of the tinfoil helmet clan, I implore you, rather than calling me please contact
the good folks at the American Psychotherapy Association instead. They will connect
you with someone who will eagerly listen to all you have to say.
* NUTS is charged with monitoring activities of members of the
Keepers of Odd Knowledge Society (KOOKS).
Posted December 31, 2021
(updated from original post on 12/30/2012)