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What Resume Claims Really Mean

Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones) and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.

Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3



What Resume Claims Really Mean - RF CafeThis list of items will help you to interpret resumes submitted by applicants to your company. If you are thinking about including any such phrases on your own resume, be aware that we're all on to you now.
  • My background and skills match your requirements:
    You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
  • I am adaptable:
    I've changed jobs a lot.
  • I am on the go:
    I'm never at my desk.
  • I'm highly motivated to succeed:
    The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
  • I have formal training:
    I'm a college drop-out.
  • I interact well with co-workers:
    I've been accused of sexual harassment.
  • Thank you for your time and consideration:
    Wait! Don't throw me away!
  • I look forward to hearing from you soon:
    Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. 
  • I know how to deal with stressful situations:
    I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
  • I I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organization skills:
    I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
  • I'm extremely adept ad all manner of office organization:
    I've used Microsoft Office.
  • I'm honest, hard-working and dependable:
    I pilfer office supplies.
  • My pertinent work experience includes:
    I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
  • I take pride in my work:
    I blame others for my mistakes.
  • I'm balanced and centered:
    I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
  • I I have a sense of humor:
    I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
  • I'I'm personable:
    I give lots of unsolicited-personal advice to co-workers.

 

 

Source: December 2013 The Good Life Press

 
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