The Guys' Rules

Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.

Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1." ON PURPOSE!


1.  Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
     it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
     down. You don't hear us complaining about you
     leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
     changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.  Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
     going to think of it that way.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
     Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
     Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
     comments become null and void after 7 days.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
     you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
     If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,
     is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
     We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
     want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
     topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1.  I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1.  Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but
     did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.



Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Thanks to Steve for this one. If you know the original source, please tell me and I'll give proper credit.
This response from Fred: "Hi Kirt, I'm darn sure the source was ADAM. lololol"