 These engineering and science tech-centric
jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends
and websites across the Internet. I check back occasionally for new fodder, but
it seems all the old content is reappearing all over (like this is). The humor is
light-hearted and clean and sometimes slightly assaultive to the easily-offended,
so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
Humor #1,
#2, #3
The Good Life is a free publication printed
in northern Michigan. Along with advertisements and stories from local interests, every edition is chock full of humorous
quips and jokes. These (mostly) tech-related items are from the August 2014 edition.
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high
math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I
draw the line!"
When I punish my 16-year-old, I don't take away her phone. I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in
her eyes as her battery dies. It's fun.
A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass for large-scale production and sale in the United States.
It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it
became hopelessly lost. It did however, cause a saying which is very much in use today to be developed... He who has
a Tates* is lost.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his
desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of
the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor
handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you
for weeks.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 99% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink
at somebody.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones, and only one person has noticed mine is actually a
calculator.
Computers and Men
- HARD-DISK Man: He remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!
- WINDOWS Man: Everyone knows that he can't do anything right, but you can't live without him.
- EXCEL Man: They say he can do a lot of things but you mostly use him for only four of your basic needs.
- SCREENSAVER Man: He is good for nothing functional, but at least he is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun!
- INTERNET Man: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!
- SERVER Man: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need him.
- MULTIMEDIA Man: He has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
- CD-ROM Man: He always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
- E-MAIL Man: Out of every ten things he says, eight are plain nonsense.
- VIRUS Man: Also known as "HUSBAND"; when you are least expecting him, he shows up, installs himself, and starts
gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall him, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try
to uninstall him, you will still have nothing.
The above item was originally titled "Computers and Women," but you weren't offended and
thought it was funny because I changed it to be about men. Chances are, if I had left it as found, you would have
cringed or even have been outraged that I would dare post such a thing. It is just fine in today's world to make fun
of men (and admit it, you subconsciously assume a White guy), but don't dare poke fun at women or minorities. That
would make you a 'hater' and deserving of sensitivity training. Personally, I can take a joke and good humor at my
expense. If you can't, then there is a good chance you're a moron and need 'get over yourself' training. - Kirt B.
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with
a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here." The next day he came home to find
the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move
was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother
was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised
over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
* ...hesitates...
Posted July 2, 2014
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