These engineering and
science tech-centric jokes,
song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and
websites across the Internet. I check back occasionally for new fodder, but it
seems all the old content is reappearing all over (like this is). The humor is light-hearted and
clean and sometimes slightly assaultive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
- Never trust results you get on a Friday afternoon until you can repeat the results on a Monday morning1.
- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
- An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about
- Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
- All great discoveries are made by mistake.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
- A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
- A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible
for the serviceman.
- To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and
three parts which are still under development.
- If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability
- If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
- Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
- If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the
one to go wrong.
- Everything that goes up must come down.
- Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
- If you build a system that even a fool can use, then only a fool will want to use it.
- If it jams, try to force it. If it breaks, it probably needed to be replaced anyway.
- Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
1. Thanks to Michael M. for this one - 3/8/2010