Take a break from the
drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across
the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn
of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page
to the e-mail link above.
Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3
1. What do you get when you cross a
grape with an elephant?
HUNTING AN ELEPHANT IN THE 90s
- MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and
catching one of whatever is left.
- EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before
proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
- PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the
detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
- 1. Go to Africa.
- 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
- 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
- 4. During each traverse pass,
- a. Catch each animal seen.
- b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
- c. Stop when a match is detected.
- EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.
- ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
- DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with
an ad hoc query:
- 1 SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
- 2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
- 3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
- 4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY'
- 5 AND TRUNK = 'YES'
- 6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;
- ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of
them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
- SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless
interface between the elephants and their environment.
- ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt
- STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
- CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the
hour to advise those people who do.
- OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
- POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for
- LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
- SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
- VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that
all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does
see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's
keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
- SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field
mice, but with deeper voices.
- QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they
were packing the jeep.
- SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery
two days before the season opens.
- SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
- HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
...from the University of Michigan web site