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Things You'd Love to Say at Work

Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones) and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.

Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3


  1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  2. How about never? Is never good for you?
  3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  7. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  10. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  12. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  13. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  16.  I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  17. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
  18. Do I look like a people person?
  19. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  20. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  21. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  22. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  24. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  25. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  26. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  29. If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
  30. If ignorance is bliss, you must be a really happy person.



...thanks to Steve
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