Steven Wright One-Liners

• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.