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New Investment Terms

Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones) and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.

Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3


To be an astute and well-informed investor one should be familiar with the new terms used when dealing with the stock market. These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

  • CEO -- chief embezzlement officer
  • CFO -- corporate fraud officer
  • VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower
  • P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
  • BROKER -- What my broker has made me
  • STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell
  • STOCK ANALYST! -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock
  • STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
  • FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected
  • MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks
  • CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
  • YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
  • WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
  • BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
  • BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
  • PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use
 

         ...thanks to Cornell for this one.
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