New Age Math
Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor
that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted
and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones), degrading political taunts, and hateful
tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio
clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor
page to the e-mail link above.
| Humor #2 | Humor #3
Test your engineering math skills on these
1) Mary and Jane were given a Rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to
be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their
relationship in public?
2) Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem
is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will
it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3) Sanjeev has 7 piercings.
If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need
to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4) Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500
in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?
5) New York City decides to destroy 50 rats infesting
downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6) A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood
that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
7) George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes
every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490 mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in
8) There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles
10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus
Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9) If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot
stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
10) Todd begins walking down Market Street with
twelve $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over
if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students
11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John, and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month.
Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their
web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three
months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option:
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share
as handgun monitors at Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.
...thanks to Steve for this one, too.