Jokes & Puns Only Smart People Will "Get"
Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been
collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly
offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual
overtones (or undertones) and hateful
tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio
clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor
page to the e-mail link above.
| Humor #2 | Humor #3
Some of these juxtapose a riddle and a joke to form a clever quip.
- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
- C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
- There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
- They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not," Descartes says. And
then he disappears.
- What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted
- A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs,
get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
- Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble
gases here." He doesn't react.
- Why did the chicken cross the
Möbius strip? To
get to the same side.
- Pavlov is
sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Oh crap, I forgot
to feed the dog!"
- There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
- A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies
"No I'm traveling light."
- "Is it solipsistic
in here, or is it just me?"
- What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
- Did you hear the about the man who cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
- People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words
- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
- The first rule of
club is the first rule of Tautology club.
- What is a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips.
- They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was
hiding behind two other genes.
- What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
- There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
- Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
- Schrödinger's cat
walks into a bar and doesn't.
- Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
- Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? No, to whom.
- A Biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer
and misses 5 feet to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right, the
statistician yells "We got 'em!"
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