Rumor has it that one year at COMDEX (a computer expo), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down
and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But
then you would have to
buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and
twice as easy to
drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default"
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps
(now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause
the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
13. GM would radically redesign the dashboard of its entire fleet to hide all the familiar instruments
and remove the
buttons and knobs from all the controls, forcing legacy drivers - i.e., 95% of people who have ever driven a GM
car or truck - to locate and install a 3rd-party dashboard cover to restore enough functionality to be able to
drive the darn thing. (#13 by Kirt Blattenberger)
Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.
Posted February 5, 2015