The Government Is Bombarding Citizens with Radiation!
Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones) and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.
Please, even if you sincerely believe that the government is bombarding you with radiation in order to control, maim, or kill you, do not call me.
As a former agent of the U.S. government's National Unit for ciTizen Subduance (code word: NUTS*), all of my communications are constantly under surveillance, so merely contacting me by telephone, e-mail, Skype, telegraph, message in a bottle, or smoke signals virtually guarantees that "they" will find you and increase the attack already underway against you. For all that is Holy, spare yourself from the personal torment and hide while you still can!
Seriously, four or five people call me every year wanting to tap into my expertise on RF energy to help them validate their suspicion - no, wait, absolute certainty - of currently being the victims of a huge government conspiracy whereby special frequencies that have been determined to allow mind control are attempting to turn them into mindless subjects. I just got off the phone with another such individual.
All sound genuinely friendly and inquisitive regarding some kind of RF principle they are not totally knowledgeable about, and admit to being new to the world of radio frequencies. Usually an apology is offered at the outset for interrupting me, and an offer is made to call back at some later time that might be more convenient. After a little informal chat about their background and asking about mine, a shift is made to the real reason for the call.
Terms like radiation, RF, microwave, antennas, couplers, transmission lines, and shielding are introduced into the conversation, seemingly, at first, to probe my familiarity with the science. It soon becomes obvious that they are simply repeating terms recently read on some website or brotherhood tract. Almost inevitably the subject will turn to referencing a patent pertaining to spread spectrum technology or a book written by some mountain guy with a dirty white beard. Some take longer to get there than others, but I'm getting better at identifying them more quickly. That is when I know for sure that another one of 'them' is on the line. I spend a little more time making sure of my suspicion, and then politely ask the caller if the motivation for his call is because he is "onto" the whole government radiation mind control thing. Then, I say goodbye.
Some of the callers are concerned with a cell tower a ¼ mile away because their phones now get five bars even when placed in the washing machine with the lid closed (they must be in there with the phone to see the display), or their knee joints suddenly began hurting right after the tower was erected, or cuts and sores never heal anymore ever since a new radar was installed at the airport. A couple years ago a lawyer from New York City called me two or three times looking for information for his case with a client who lived in a top-floor apartment over which, on the roof, was installed some sort of microwave repeater. The 80-something-year-old plaintiff had hired the lawyer to sue the communications company for causing pain and suffering brought on by the tower. Of course I was never offered a dime for the hour or so total I talked to him, and in the end told him his client was a loon and not to call me anymore.
The most recent victim (called last night) had purchased a 3 GHz frequency counter and could watch the display jump all over the place between 2.4 and 2.5 GHz as he walked throughout his house with it. The guy - I'll call him Igor - was convinced that he had uncovered a plot of some sort that involved frequency hopping, deviously employed so that the average citizen would never detect the radiation's presence. Of course when asked whether he had a wireless router in the house, and he replied affirmative, but according to him it had been ruled out as the source. I didn't ask him how he knew. Igor had done his homework, having already conducted an extensive search of the USPTO database for patents on spread spectrum and its effects on humans. Patent number 6587729, "Apparatus for audibly communicating speech using the radio frequency hearing effect," assigned to the Secretary of the United States Air Force, exactly described what he was witnessing. I kid you not. He says he telephoned not only the two inventors listed on the patent, but also the patent lawyer. None would provide him with any information (go figure), which only confirmed his suspicion regarding their guilt. I asked Igor if he believed he was being targeted by the government for mind control, informed him before he could answer that I didn't have time for such folly, and gently hung up. It is times like these when I wish my name and home address were not so easily discovered, and that I'm glad on-site security at RF Cafe has been beefed up over the last few years.
Help is on the way! If you are reading this and are a member of the tinfoil helmet clan, I implore you, rather than calling me please contact the good folks at the American Psychotherapy Association instead. They will connect you with someone who will eagerly listen to all you have to say.
* NUTS is charged with monitoring activities of members of the Keepers of Odd Knowledge Society (KOOKS).