English is Such a Funny Language
Take a break from the
drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across
the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn
of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page
to the e-mail link above.
Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3
Let's face it: English is a crazy
language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And
why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of
tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two
indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as h*ll one day
and cold as h*ll another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and
an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's
coming or going.
... Ravi Pillutla firstname.lastname@example.org