These tech-centric jokes,
song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and
websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly
offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
North Pole Memo:
Subject: Famous Reindeer Terminated
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be
replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North
Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
The reindeer down-sizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North
Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the
North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at
a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global
challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately,
the following economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced
by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a
redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An
analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
five gold rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a
luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per
day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of
Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this
group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and
twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not
beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The executives at the North Pole wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a productive New Year.
...author unknown (from the RepairFAQ web site).