Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor
that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted
and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones), degrading political taunts, and hateful
tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio
clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor
page to the e-mail link above.
| Humor #2 | Humor #3
- When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
- Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
- Never trade luck for skill.
- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?," "Where are we?" and " Ooooh S**t! "
- Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
- Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
- Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
- A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
- Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
- If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
- Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
- Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
- Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
- When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
- Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
- Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II : When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
- The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
- A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
- If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)
- If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
- Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 2080,000 Feet and Climbing
(sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
- You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
- Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
- There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime
(sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
- "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
- What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
- Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
- If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
- Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
- You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
...thanks to Steve for this one, too.