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Rules of Thumb for the Military
Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor
that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted
and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones), degrading political taunts, and hateful
tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio
clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor
page to the e-mail link above.
These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations.
- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher
- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin
- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Literature.
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal
- "A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal
- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
- "Five-second fuses! only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal
- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
...thanks to Steve for this one
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