Declaration of Dependence - RF Cafe Forums
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Post subject: Declaration of Dependence
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:38 am
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2006 12:07 pm
Location: London UK
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas ,
which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister,
Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will
A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize
will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
-ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When
we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $ 9/US gallon. Get used
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold
tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also
acceptable as South Africans are pound for pound the greatest
sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease
playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a
bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more
Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now
on..... get used to the World Cup.
14. Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.
God save the Queen .
Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:30 am
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:53 pm
Muslims 'Planned to Kill Thousands by Bringing Down SEVEN
Transatlantic Airliners in One Go with Liquid Bombs'
Who's been saving your asses for almost 100 years? I'll
bet your father remembers Hitler's Buzz Bombs raining down on
London. Americans sacrifice money time and lives to help the
world, and in return we get hatred.
This is not a
personal attack against you, dude. I happen to think the thing
you posted is very humorous. The problem is that usually when
someone posts something like that, it's usually done as a
serious jab being disguised as humor.
and Spain has given much good to the world during it's
colonization period and for advancing science, but it also
introduced slavery, spread diseases, and a few other nasties,
that we are all still paying the price for.
Post subject: Update: Tang(R) Bombs
Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:02 pm
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:53 pm
Here's an update on the Heathrow bombers. Crafty devils - they
were going to use bombs made of Tang(R) breakfast drink and
peroxide, triggered by a disposable camera flash.
Bomb: Liquid Explosives Are the New 'Weapon of Choice'
Q: Why isn't the whole civilized world utterly pissed off at the
radical Muslims for the f***ing trouble they have caused us. I'm
so f***inkg goddamed tired of taking my shoes off at the
airport, can't even take the pocket knife I've carried for 30
years on the plane. Hell I can't even take my shaving kit.
You've got the bastards blowing up your busses, subway trains,
launching rockets into civilian areas, and your government is
worried about huring their f***ing sensitivities?
radical muslim sects are bloody murdering all over Africa and
other regions of the world. Here our government is worried about
a Christian group in Texas, burned to death about 100 of them
under the rule of Janet Reno, and we have to worry about
collateral damage in a village in northern Afghanistan where the
f***ing cowardly bastards hide and live among the civilian
JC, now we're going to have B. Hussein Obama
as president? The SOB has a lifelong history of hanging with
radical and convicted terrorists. His wife is a freaking America