Declaration of Dependence - RF Cafe Forums
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Post subject: Declaration of Dependence
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:38 am
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2006 12:07 pm
Location: London UK
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate
competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need
for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the
Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn
to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $ 9/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make
real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth,
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known
and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is
also acceptable as South Africans are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth
- see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will
thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl
or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup.
14. Further, you
will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
the Queen .
Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:30 am
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:53 pm
Muslims 'Planned to Kill Thousands by Bringing Down SEVEN Transatlantic Airliners in
One Go with Liquid Bombs'
Who's been saving
your asses for almost 100 years? I'll bet your father remembers Hitler's Buzz Bombs
raining down on London. Americans sacrifice money time and lives to help the world,
and in return we get hatred.
This is not a personal attack against you, dude.
I happen to think the thing you posted is very humorous. The problem is that usually
when someone posts something like that, it's usually done as a serious jab being disguised
England, France, and Spain has given much good to the world during
it's colonization period and for advancing science, but it also introduced slavery,
spread diseases, and a few other nasties, that we are all still paying the price for.
Post subject: Update: Tang(R) Bombs
Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:02 pm
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:53 pm
Here's an update on the Heathrow bombers. Crafty devils - they were going to use bombs
made of Tang(R) breakfast drink and peroxide, triggered by a disposable camera flash.
Tang Bomb: Liquid Explosives Are the New 'Weapon of Choice'
Q: Why isn't the whole civilized world utterly pissed off at the radical Muslims
for the f***ing trouble they have caused us. I'm so f***inkg goddamed tired of taking
my shoes off at the airport, can't even take the pocket knife I've carried for 30 years
on the plane. Hell I can't even take my shaving kit. You've got the bastards blowing
up your busses, subway trains, launching rockets into civilian areas, and your government
is worried about huring their f***ing sensitivities?
The radical muslim sects
are bloody murdering all over Africa and other regions of the world. Here our government
is worried about a Christian group in Texas, burned to death about 100 of them under
the rule of Janet Reno, and we have to worry about collateral damage in a village in
northern Afghanistan where the f***ing cowardly bastards hide and live among the civilian
JC, now we're going to have B. Hussein Obama as president? The SOB
has a lifelong history of hanging with radical and convicted terrorists. His wife is
a freaking America hater.
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